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what is wrong with me? I know, I know, I’ve got a long list and I can’t cover it all here in this particular blog post but let me just ramble a little on this one aspect for now.

I try to provide my kids opportunities to experience a wide range of activities all through the year. It’s something that I personally never got a lot of when I was growing up so I make it a point to spend the extra dough for all the usual stuff like soccer, various camps, music lessons and even swimming lessons…

So, it’s obvious I’ve got good intentions. But I catch myself whining and complaining every time I have to take the kids to one of their activities. I SHOULD be one of those “supportive” dads and encourage the kids every step of the way. But I’m usually just pissed off and agitated whenever I’m out and about with them.

I just know my kids’ lasting memory of me will be of an angry ol’ man dragging them to activities that they didn’t even want to sign up for in the first place.

well, another year has gone and another birthday is at hand (monday). and what do I have to show for it? I mean, have I done anything this past year to slow the downward spiral of my so called life?

have I improved my financial situation? nah.

Have I made a conscious effort to be a better parent? uummm, nope.

have I changed my lazy-ass ways and significantly improved my health. nope.

made a dent on my credit card debt? nada.

got a promotion? nunca.

have I done anything from my home improvement to do list? shit

have I become less cynical about life? absolutely not.

am I any happier with my life? do I even have to ask?

OK, just checking. carry on.

..and time still marches on…

Had to partake in some more comfort food today.

Today’s pick was: the local mongolian grill.

Yes, my need for comfort is apparently insatiable these days.

Work is just overwhelming at times. Upper management continues to just pile it on and simply spouts out the ubiquitous phrase “do more with less!” gah. Yeah, I’m thankful I still have a job but come on, there’s only so much I can give. ugh. my head hurts. could be from the stress. or from all the MSG in the food. who knows.

This is what I consider comfort food. yum. I definitely needed it today.

I’ve been feeling like a zombie these days – just walking around doing my day to day routine in a dull, monochrome haze.

I’m not sure how it all started… probably a gradual process over the years but I can tell the “spark of youth” has been totally sucked dry out of my being.

The days seem to go by with me not feeling a thing. Like I’m fully numb to the world around me. My brain is in continual “sleep mode”.

The passion is gone. no fire, no drive.

I’m in “autopilot” the moment I wake up ’til I drop into bed at night. what is it going to take to break me out of this comatose state???

why have I become such a passionless drone. perhaps it’s simply a defense mechanism to cope with all the disappoints in my life. How I’ve let myself down time and time again. my finances, my money-pit of a house, my so-called career, my social status, my friends, my hair loss (damn genetics) … all just one disappointment and another…

yeah, maybe living in this zombie-like haze is a good thing…

I stepped out of the house this morning and quickly realized that I dressed like a UPS driver today!!

brown jacket, brown pants and brown shoes. ugh. I’m surprised I didn’t finish the ensemble off with a brown polo shirt.

what was I thinking? apparently my fashion sense was completely turned off this monday morning. I know, I know, is it EVER on? ..har, har.

Even after realizing what I looked like, I still didn’t have the energy to go back in to re-think my outfit and just went straight to work.

yeah, I’m feeling brown today. what’s it to ya?

I hope you all are feeling better than me right now.

ugh. Thankfully I don’t have anything severe like the swine flu but still- the headaches, body aches, congestion and coughs ain’t a bed of roses neither!!

Let’s face the facts. I’m over the hill. it’s sad but true. But as I get accustomed to being an “old man” there are a new set of ground rules I have to consider.

check out the following:

- Now that I’m over 40, I no longer need to make an effort to impress the young ladies at work. It’s a waste of energy now. now that I’m an old man – I’m way past “desirable”!

- Along the same lines, I’ve got no need to impress anyone. I can dress however the hell I want now. no one really gives a crap about the over 40 crowd. socks with birkenstocks? why not! loud hawaiian shirts with plaid golf pants? hell to the yeah!

- I’m now banned from texting people on my cell phone. and besides I’ve never gotten the hang of typing on the numerical keypad anyway.

- I no longer have to attempt to stay “hip” and “in the know”. So there’s no need to watch the crap on MTV or CW to keep up with the kids. At this age, the gap between generations is just too great.

- I’ve got to bone up on my history, though. As an old man, I’ve got to regularly reference historical facts and start conversations with “awww, this ain’t nothing. Things were so much better back in my day. I remember back when…”

- It’s a known fact that it’s harder to stay in shape when you’re over forty. so why bother, I say! why fight the inevitable? I’m going to go with the “more natural” look. the way mother nature intended!! behold, my glorious beer-belly!!!

- the jury’s still out on whether the over forty crowd should even facebook. I’m on facebook but I’ve started to refrain from superpoking everyone. an old man poking FB friends just doesn’t feel right anymore.

- I’ve now earned the right to purchase a “laz-E boy” recliner for those sunday afternoon football games! hopefully I can find the ones that include a built-in fridge for beer!!

hhmmmm, after mulling things over, it’s not ALL bad. membership has its privileges!

holy crap! I’m *40* now. I simply can’t believe it.

really!

how sad.

It’s ALL down hill from here on out, isn’t it.

..it’s a dark day indeed.

This past weekend, I had the rare pleasure of leaving the wife and kids at home to spend the afternoon/evening with some old friends of mine.

yup, like your typical “whipped” husband, I rarely get any free time outside of my usual household & parental duties.

But my buddy whom I’ve known since grade school was turning *40* this weekend and he invited all his “groomsmen” from his wedding for a sort of reunion at his house. Since I’ll be turning the big 4-0 this year as well, I felt an extra “kinship” with the guy and agreed to make the two hour trek to his house.

It was great seeing the guys again after all these years. I literally haven’t seen some of the guys since my friend’s wedding over 15 years ago. I had a good time for the most part but I soon realized that these types of reunions conjure up all sorts of not-so-pleasant reminders that I’ve tried so long NOT to think about… like:

- how little I’ve actually achieved (in financial terms and status) over the last 15 years
- how ambitious I was back then compared to how run-down and unmotivated I am now
- how my 40 year old friend has much nicer furnishings than I do
- and finally, I’ve realized how bad I am at small talk and at keeping conversations
going with folks I no longer know so well

but definitely the take home message I found myself dwelling on during my drive home was how little I’ve got to show for at the 40 year mark.

Yes, I have a family, a house and a job and such. and I’m thankful for all those things but really nothing to boast or brag about.

and especially at these reunions and gatherings, I’ve got nothing. I suck.

remind me in the future to never agree to attend these sorts of reunions or gatherings ever again!